Starting Clomid next month

So I had my appointment at Georgetown University Hospital yesterday with the same doctor who saw me after my chemical pregnancy. I really liked him and I knew he was covered by my insurance so I wanted to see if there was anything he could do before I poured tons of money into fertility treatments (not that I have the money anyway).

His name is Dr. Udwin and he's a young and very upbeat guy so I was looking forward to the appointment. As soon as he saw me he asked me: "Are you getting depressed by all the pregnant women out in the lobby? I know it can get really tough." He totally understood how I feel and told me that I basically have 3 options. I can go the fertility treatment way, but he did not recommend that yet because he said at 29 I still have time to conceive naturally so it's worth trying. Or, I could get a test (forgot the exact name) where they put dye in my tubes and check for blockage. He said the test is pretty painful and there is a very small chance that my tubes are blocked because I did conceive at least once before (my chemical) but most women start with that test.
Or, the third option, is to start taking Clomid for a few cycles and see how that goes, and if nothing happens after 3-4 months I could do the test then. He warned me that there is a risk of ovarian cancer associated with Clomid but it's usually for women who take it for over 12 months and he said he would not recommend me taking it for that long. He left the decision to me and I decided to go with Clomid for 3 cycles and see how it goes. He told me there is a 5%-9% risk of multiple pregnancies with that but I'm ready to take the risk if it works. I'm a little scared about the side effects though because the few times I had takes birth control pills in the past I've had some very strong headaches and bouts of nausea but I really have no choice. So he gave me a prescription for Clomid and asked me to call him after I'm done with the first cycle to report how I'm doing. You take the pills for 5 days starting on the 5th day of your period and, according to the doctor, we're supposed to have sex like crazy for a few days as soon as I'm done with the pills.

I told him that sex is not nearly as fun anymore and he was very understanding. He said this is called medical sex and most couples who are TTC are going through this. Basically, just sex on demand. He told me not to worry and drink some wine before sex to get in the mood if I have to (I don't really drink wine but a strong bloody mary will do :) He knew it's pretty tough on both partners to have sex under pressure but what can you do...At least he didn't tell me to just relax and it will happen, which I'm tired of hearing.

So I got my prescription for Clomid now and I'm waiting for my period. It's due on Tuesday, July 4. I don't think I'm pregnant this month because I have no symptoms and we really only had sex once during ovulation so I'm not thinking about it much. It's actually kind of liberating, not thinking whether you're pregnant and going crazy checking your symptoms. I'm a little worried about the Clomid and wondering how other people have felt while taking it. Will have to check the boards for stories and keep my finders crossed that everything goes well.

Don't think I'm pregnant this month

Sorry I have not written anything recently. I just haven't been in the mood to write and I'm trying not to think about TTC or obsess about it too much. I don't think anything happened this month because we went on vacation the week of my ovulation, which would have been perfect TTC timing but my brother was with us as well so we had very limited opportunities to do anything.

We tried to have sex on a couple of occasions but it was very distracting having my brother sleep in the next bed and trying to be super quiet (very awkward, believe me) so we sort of gave up, it just didn't feel right. Plus, we were in Vegas (one of my favorite places) and we were doing stuff non-stop during the day so by the time we got to our room early in the morning we were happy to go to sleep. I think I'm sort of trying to find excuses why I'm not getting pregnant, but this month I would have to really be pushing it to get enough action while being in the same room as my brother so mentally I gave up.

My brother is going back home today so starting tomorrow it will be just me and my hubby in our apartment again. I know it would be perfect to start TTC again but I'm definitely going to miss my brother. We live far away from each other so I usually only see him for a week every year and it was nice to spend more time and do thing together once in a while. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning, having a third person live in our 1-bedroom apartment, but by the end of his stay I got so used to having him near me that it will be empty when he leaves. He is flying back in a couple of hours; I couldn't even take him to the airport because I've been out of the office last week so I have tons of work, so I'm a little sad. Just trying not to think about it too much.

This also means no more excuses why I'm not getting pregnant and the pressure will be back full force next month because we should have plenty of time and space to TTC. So I'm a little scared, I hate the waiting to ovulate and the pressure to be in the mood on those specific dates and then the waiting for symptoms and checking your body every second. I know that God will give me a baby when the right time comes but I can't help but wonder why is now not the right time, why do I have to wait for so long, why?

I was reading one of the gossipy magazines on our flight back from Vegas and it was full of celebrity babies and happy moms. And, of course, Britney with her big tummy and her short skirt (you can't take the trailer park out of the person no matter how much money they have). And Angelina, looking so happy - it's difficult to believe she was the same person who said she cuts herself and French-kissed her brother. She just glows talking about her baby. Everyone is wondering whether Nicole Kidman is preggers...like I really need another celebrity that's 10 years older than me to get pregnant so quickly.

By the way, if you ever go to Vegas, do NOT stay at the Caesars Palace!!! We had such a bad experience there. We've stayed at the Palace Tower there before and were pretty satisfied but this time we were put in the Forum Tower, which is just a shame for a hotel of this caliber. Our room was very old, the carpet had a lot of stains and everything smelled of mold. The water pressure was horrible and there wasn't even a desk to put my laptop on. When we complained, we were told that for the price we paid ($195/night) that was what we got. We could upgrade to the new tower (Augustus) but it was going to be $75/night more. No, thanks. Next time we will spend our money in another hotel - there are plenty of good ones around Vegas. It's just not worth paying fore the Caesars name, so overrated!

Celebrity Babies

Well, apparently Brad and Angelina are selling the pictures of their baby and donating the money to charity. I wonder why people would pay so much money to see a baby. I mean come on, it's a little baby, you're going to get lots of pictures of her later on, why do you need to have her on every magazine's cover? I'm glad that he baby was finally born - I was tired of reading about it, it seems like this baby's life was chronicled since the time of conception. And Gwen Stefanie had her baby last week as well. I hope this is the end of all the celebrity pregnancies that everyone was talking about for months and months. I have to admit I like torturing myself by reading about them, it's like a sick attraction, but in the end it just makes me feel bad about myself. Oh, well, we still have Britney and her second baby, how could I forget about that. Hopefully she'll drop her excuse for a husband by the time the baby is born and go back to being Britney again. I hate it when women lose themselves after they marry scmucks!

I have not called the fertility doctor to schedule my tests - I don't really know what to do because we just can't afford to pay for all the testing ourselves right now. I've been meaning to call my insurance company and check all the details with them because the policy says that they pay for tests related to fertility but not for consultations and treatments. But I just have not had time to call them (I hate dealing with insurance companies) and frankly I've just been ignoring the whole thing. I was supposed to schedule the tests on the first day of my period (which is today) but I guess we'll have to wait for the next cycle until I resolve the whole insurance issue.

After I got my period this morning, I looked on the calendar and noticed that my next ovulation is due around June 21-22, which is when we'll be on vacation which would have been perfect, except that my brother is coming on vacation with us :( My brother is 5 years younger than me and still lives with my parents in Europe so we normally only see each other once a year for a couple of weeks so we invited him to come over and stay with us for a bit. Well, it was supposed to be a month, which got extended to two months and then, with summer coming and the opening of our pool, we decided to just have him stay until the end of June. This is great because I get to spend a lot of time with him, but at the same time we live in a one bedroom apartment and we’re sort of starting to get on each other’s nerves sometimes. And it sucks that we probably won't get any TTC opportunities during our vacation because my brother will be there with us. Thinking of this made me really emotional this morning. I have to face it, as much I try to pretend I'm fine, I'm just really really sad that I'm not pregnant yet again.

AF is back with a vengeance

Well, AF came with a vengeance again yesterday and I've been cramping so badly that I could not sleep at all last night. I sort of knew that I wasn't pregnant because I did not feel any pregnancy symptoms during the past week, but you know, you always hope and think that maybe, just maybe, this month will be the month.

AF was supposed to come Sunday or Monday and I spent both days checking my panties every couple of hours for any signs, but nothing. And then yesterday I felt crappy the whole day, very irritable and headache-y so I knew what's coming, I just didn't want to admit it. Well, last night it came. God, how I wish you would just give me a baby and not make me go through this month after month after month.

It's our 3 year wedding anniversary today but I fell so bloated and very crampy and grumpy. I wish I could spend our anniversary pregnant and hopeful but instead I'll be tired and grumpy. My husband was very cute this morning, he woke me up with kisses and wished me a happy anniversary and told me that everything will be OK. I just think it's so unfair that we love each other so much and we are in a great place in our lives, have our own place, etc. and the thing that I thought would be the easiest piece of the puzzle is just not happening.

I was talking to one of my coworkers yesterday; she's the only person at work who knows we've been trying to get pregnant. She told me about one of her friends who married her high school love and were TTC for over 3 years and nothing would happen. She was diagnosed with some problem with her Fallopian Tubes where only one of the tubes is working. So a few years into the marriage she finds out that her husband has been cheating to her and he wants out so they split up, she's devastated, moves back in with her parents. To make a long story short, a few months later she meets a guy, they get married shortly after and she gets pregnant right away and she is due in a few weeks. My friend just went to her baby shower.

So I can't help but think - if God is not letting me get pregnant, there may be a reason for that. What if my husband and I are just not meant to be together? What if something will happen in the future that will explain why we did not have kids? All these thought are racing through my mind today and making me worried. I should really try to think about something happy on our anniversary.