Thursday, September 20, 2012

Follow Up

I had not posted on this blog for the last 6 years. During this time I successfully got pregnant with my son and after a somewhat difficult pregnancy (particularly the 4 months of severe nausea) I delivered a healthy boy. I got so caught up in life after baby that I abandoned this blog and was shocked when I logged in for the first time the other day to find that I have had over 20,000 visitors in the last 5  years and hundreds of comments. Thank you everyone who followed my journey to get pregnant, I really appreciate your thoughts and support and wish all of you healthy happy babies.
Shortly after my son was born I went back to my job in the travel industry and the three of us have been travelling around the world for the past 5 years. So I have started a new blog where I will share our adventures in travelling with kids hoping to help other parents have fun while traveling with their kids.
You can follow my new blog at

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Other people's problems with TTC

I was talking with one of my co-workers on the way to the Metro the other day and she mentioned that her sister who got married a few months ago was felling upset that day because she had thought she was pregnant but suddenly got her period. She told me that her sister was going crazy trying to get pregnant for the last 3 months and she was absolutely obsessed with it and feeling down because nothing was happening.

I knew exactly how she felt but I did not want to say anything because I haven't really shared my TTC efforts with anyone at work except my boss and one co-worker with whom I'm really close. I know it would probably be easier if I tell more people but I just know that they'll keep checking me out to see whether I'm pregnant already and if I don't succeed I'd feel like I have to explain to them. Sometimes I want to tell the whole world just to get some moral support but at other times it just seems so personal.

I had to tell my boss because when I had my chemical pregnancy I took 3 days off work to recover and then I had a bunch of doctor's appointments as a follow up so I didn't want her to think that I'm just slacking off work since I'm pretty healthy otherwise. She was and still is very understanding and event though she is a pretty conservative business woman I tell she feel for me. She told me that both of her sons were preemies; born in the 7th month, the second one was just over 2 pounds when he was born. So she's had a lot of issues with pregnancies and babies and she sort of knows how I feel so that's good.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Worried about Clomid side effects

So I was in Barnes & Noble over the weekend and I found a book in the New Books section called "A Few Good Eggs". It's written by two girlfriends who experiences infertility for several years so they write about literally everything related top that including quotes from their friends, doctor's opinions and their own stories, of course. It seemed like a really interesting book so I opened to the chapter about fertility drugs and found some very disturbing stuff about Clomid.

Basically, many people said that they gained weight while taking Clomid and experienced severe mood swings. There were some pretty horrible stories about mood changes, headaches and weight gain so I got really scared. I don't want to gain weight, that's the last thing I need. And mood swings - I get those on my own anyway, no need for any chemical help with those :) Urgh, all this stuff is making me really worried about starting Clomid. But I just have to do it, at least for one month and see how I feel. I had really bad side effects from birth control pills when I was taking them a few years ago - severe nausea being one of them, and I'm really worried about side effects of hormones. I wonder if some people don't have any side effects from Clomid?

To make matters worse, I was talking to a friend's mother this weekend (she is extremely overweight and I never asked about it but always assumed she had some kind of weight disorder) and she mentioned that after her first child she was trying to get pregnant for over 10 years and was put on some kind of hormones which caused her to gain weight and she was never able to get it off. She also said the hormones ruined her skin and her hair. She was taking them for a few years with no result when she finally got pregnant with my friend but by that time she was so overweight that her period had almost stopped and she did not even realized she was pregnant until she was 7 months along. Very scary story... Just thinking that she got so overweight from the hormones terrifies me. Of course, that happened over 20 years ago but still...

Oh well, I'm not going to think about this anymore, I'll just take the Clomid for a month and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Friday, June 30, 2006

Starting Clomid next month

So I had my appointment at Georgetown University Hospital yesterday with the same doctor who saw me after my chemical pregnancy. I really liked him and I knew he was covered by my insurance so I wanted to see if there was anything he could do before I poured tons of money into fertility treatments (not that I have the money anyway).

His name is Dr. Udwin and he's a young and very upbeat guy so I was looking forward to the appointment. As soon as he saw me he asked me: "Are you getting depressed by all the pregnant women out in the lobby? I know it can get really tough." He totally understood how I feel and told me that I basically have 3 options. I can go the fertility treatment way, but he did not recommend that yet because he said at 29 I still have time to conceive naturally so it's worth trying. Or, I could get a test (forgot the exact name) where they put dye in my tubes and check for blockage. He said the test is pretty painful and there is a very small chance that my tubes are blocked because I did conceive at least once before (my chemical) but most women start with that test.
Or, the third option, is to start taking Clomid for a few cycles and see how that goes, and if nothing happens after 3-4 months I could do the test then. He warned me that there is a risk of ovarian cancer associated with Clomid but it's usually for women who take it for over 12 months and he said he would not recommend me taking it for that long. He left the decision to me and I decided to go with Clomid for 3 cycles and see how it goes. He told me there is a 5%-9% risk of multiple pregnancies with that but I'm ready to take the risk if it works. I'm a little scared about the side effects though because the few times I had takes birth control pills in the past I've had some very strong headaches and bouts of nausea but I really have no choice. So he gave me a prescription for Clomid and asked me to call him after I'm done with the first cycle to report how I'm doing. You take the pills for 5 days starting on the 5th day of your period and, according to the doctor, we're supposed to have sex like crazy for a few days as soon as I'm done with the pills.

I told him that sex is not nearly as fun anymore and he was very understanding. He said this is called medical sex and most couples who are TTC are going through this. Basically, just sex on demand. He told me not to worry and drink some wine before sex to get in the mood if I have to (I don't really drink wine but a strong bloody mary will do :) He knew it's pretty tough on both partners to have sex under pressure but what can you do...At least he didn't tell me to just relax and it will happen, which I'm tired of hearing.

So I got my prescription for Clomid now and I'm waiting for my period. It's due on Tuesday, July 4. I don't think I'm pregnant this month because I have no symptoms and we really only had sex once during ovulation so I'm not thinking about it much. It's actually kind of liberating, not thinking whether you're pregnant and going crazy checking your symptoms. I'm a little worried about the Clomid and wondering how other people have felt while taking it. Will have to check the boards for stories and keep my finders crossed that everything goes well.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Don't think I'm pregnant this month

Sorry I have not written anything recently. I just haven't been in the mood to write and I'm trying not to think about TTC or obsess about it too much. I don't think anything happened this month because we went on vacation the week of my ovulation, which would have been perfect TTC timing but my brother was with us as well so we had very limited opportunities to do anything.

We tried to have sex on a couple of occasions but it was very distracting having my brother sleep in the next bed and trying to be super quiet (very awkward, believe me) so we sort of gave up, it just didn't feel right. Plus, we were in Vegas (one of my favorite places) and we were doing stuff non-stop during the day so by the time we got to our room early in the morning we were happy to go to sleep. I think I'm sort of trying to find excuses why I'm not getting pregnant, but this month I would have to really be pushing it to get enough action while being in the same room as my brother so mentally I gave up.

My brother is going back home today so starting tomorrow it will be just me and my hubby in our apartment again. I know it would be perfect to start TTC again but I'm definitely going to miss my brother. We live far away from each other so I usually only see him for a week every year and it was nice to spend more time and do thing together once in a while. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning, having a third person live in our 1-bedroom apartment, but by the end of his stay I got so used to having him near me that it will be empty when he leaves. He is flying back in a couple of hours; I couldn't even take him to the airport because I've been out of the office last week so I have tons of work, so I'm a little sad. Just trying not to think about it too much.

This also means no more excuses why I'm not getting pregnant and the pressure will be back full force next month because we should have plenty of time and space to TTC. So I'm a little scared, I hate the waiting to ovulate and the pressure to be in the mood on those specific dates and then the waiting for symptoms and checking your body every second. I know that God will give me a baby when the right time comes but I can't help but wonder why is now not the right time, why do I have to wait for so long, why?

I was reading one of the gossipy magazines on our flight back from Vegas and it was full of celebrity babies and happy moms. And, of course, Britney with her big tummy and her short skirt (you can't take the trailer park out of the person no matter how much money they have). And Angelina, looking so happy - it's difficult to believe she was the same person who said she cuts herself and French-kissed her brother. She just glows talking about her baby. Everyone is wondering whether Nicole Kidman is I really need another celebrity that's 10 years older than me to get pregnant so quickly.

By the way, if you ever go to Vegas, do NOT stay at the Caesars Palace!!! We had such a bad experience there. We've stayed at the Palace Tower there before and were pretty satisfied but this time we were put in the Forum Tower, which is just a shame for a hotel of this caliber. Our room was very old, the carpet had a lot of stains and everything smelled of mold. The water pressure was horrible and there wasn't even a desk to put my laptop on. When we complained, we were told that for the price we paid ($195/night) that was what we got. We could upgrade to the new tower (Augustus) but it was going to be $75/night more. No, thanks. Next time we will spend our money in another hotel - there are plenty of good ones around Vegas. It's just not worth paying fore the Caesars name, so overrated!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Celebrity Babies

Well, apparently Brad and Angelina are selling the pictures of their baby and donating the money to charity. I wonder why people would pay so much money to see a baby. I mean come on, it's a little baby, you're going to get lots of pictures of her later on, why do you need to have her on every magazine's cover? I'm glad that he baby was finally born - I was tired of reading about it, it seems like this baby's life was chronicled since the time of conception. And Gwen Stefanie had her baby last week as well. I hope this is the end of all the celebrity pregnancies that everyone was talking about for months and months. I have to admit I like torturing myself by reading about them, it's like a sick attraction, but in the end it just makes me feel bad about myself. Oh, well, we still have Britney and her second baby, how could I forget about that. Hopefully she'll drop her excuse for a husband by the time the baby is born and go back to being Britney again. I hate it when women lose themselves after they marry scmucks!

I have not called the fertility doctor to schedule my tests - I don't really know what to do because we just can't afford to pay for all the testing ourselves right now. I've been meaning to call my insurance company and check all the details with them because the policy says that they pay for tests related to fertility but not for consultations and treatments. But I just have not had time to call them (I hate dealing with insurance companies) and frankly I've just been ignoring the whole thing. I was supposed to schedule the tests on the first day of my period (which is today) but I guess we'll have to wait for the next cycle until I resolve the whole insurance issue.

After I got my period this morning, I looked on the calendar and noticed that my next ovulation is due around June 21-22, which is when we'll be on vacation which would have been perfect, except that my brother is coming on vacation with us :( My brother is 5 years younger than me and still lives with my parents in Europe so we normally only see each other once a year for a couple of weeks so we invited him to come over and stay with us for a bit. Well, it was supposed to be a month, which got extended to two months and then, with summer coming and the opening of our pool, we decided to just have him stay until the end of June. This is great because I get to spend a lot of time with him, but at the same time we live in a one bedroom apartment and we’re sort of starting to get on each other’s nerves sometimes. And it sucks that we probably won't get any TTC opportunities during our vacation because my brother will be there with us. Thinking of this made me really emotional this morning. I have to face it, as much I try to pretend I'm fine, I'm just really really sad that I'm not pregnant yet again.

AF is back with a vengeance

Well, AF came with a vengeance again yesterday and I've been cramping so badly that I could not sleep at all last night. I sort of knew that I wasn't pregnant because I did not feel any pregnancy symptoms during the past week, but you know, you always hope and think that maybe, just maybe, this month will be the month.

AF was supposed to come Sunday or Monday and I spent both days checking my panties every couple of hours for any signs, but nothing. And then yesterday I felt crappy the whole day, very irritable and headache-y so I knew what's coming, I just didn't want to admit it. Well, last night it came. God, how I wish you would just give me a baby and not make me go through this month after month after month.

It's our 3 year wedding anniversary today but I fell so bloated and very crampy and grumpy. I wish I could spend our anniversary pregnant and hopeful but instead I'll be tired and grumpy. My husband was very cute this morning, he woke me up with kisses and wished me a happy anniversary and told me that everything will be OK. I just think it's so unfair that we love each other so much and we are in a great place in our lives, have our own place, etc. and the thing that I thought would be the easiest piece of the puzzle is just not happening.

I was talking to one of my coworkers yesterday; she's the only person at work who knows we've been trying to get pregnant. She told me about one of her friends who married her high school love and were TTC for over 3 years and nothing would happen. She was diagnosed with some problem with her Fallopian Tubes where only one of the tubes is working. So a few years into the marriage she finds out that her husband has been cheating to her and he wants out so they split up, she's devastated, moves back in with her parents. To make a long story short, a few months later she meets a guy, they get married shortly after and she gets pregnant right away and she is due in a few weeks. My friend just went to her baby shower.

So I can't help but think - if God is not letting me get pregnant, there may be a reason for that. What if my husband and I are just not meant to be together? What if something will happen in the future that will explain why we did not have kids? All these thought are racing through my mind today and making me worried. I should really try to think about something happy on our anniversary.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I have a doctor's appointment on the 28th

Today is 10 dpo and unfortunately I have no signs of pregnancy yet again! This is just so disappointing; I'm tired of this waiting month after month for nothing. I feel like God is not allowing me to have any kids yet and I know there must be a reason but I can't help being disappointed and upset every month. I'm almost at a point where I don't care because I can't keep torturing myself. There a lady writing a blog who has been trying for 9 years - I think that is the hardest thing in the world to keep your hopes up after 9 years. I really hope she succeeds and I hope I never get to that point, that would just kill me.

We went to Paramount's Kings Dominion this weekend (I had some free tickets from work). I am scared of roller coasters so me and my husband spent the day at the water park while my brother and my friend went to all the cool and scary rides. I wish I could go on the roller coaters but even the smallest ones make me get panic attacks so I would never dare. I did go on one when I was in high school. We were on a school trip in Austria and went to one of the big theme parks in Vienna, the Prater, so we all decided to go on a roller coaster. I had never even seen a coaster before and thought it would be loads of fun. Well, a few seconds into the ride I felt so sick and scared that I thought I was going to faint. I barely made it to the end of the ride (not that I had a choice) and then stumbled off of it and almost had a breakdown. So I've not dared get on one since then. I even get slightly sick on the Ferris Wheel :)

While we were in the water park I started feeling tenderness in my breasts so I got excited thinking it was something. But the tenderness subsided by the end of the day and I have not felt any other symptoms so I'm bummed.

I called Georgetown Hospital and made an appointment with the doctor who saw me after my chemical pregnancy. I hope there is some way he can help me without going through a fertility specialist because I just cannot afford one at this time. The earliest appointment they had was June 28 but I'll take whatever I can.

I still have to call my insurance to see what's going on because I read the full coverage details and it says that they cover tests related to infertility but not infertility treatments. You just never know with insurance companies, they always try to rip you off so I need to call them and at least try to have them cover my tests. Ugh, like I don't have enough to worry about.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

TTC Action this weekend

I'm a little sad again...trying not to be but I'm not a very patient person and this whole TTC business is just driving me nuts. I knew I was going to ovulate on Sunday or Monday so I was happy that we had sex both on Saturday and on Sunday morning thinking that we can get the momentum going for Monday. Well, last night I noticed lots of clear stretchy discharge and I knew it was ovulation time. I put on my new sexy pink underwear and I jumped into bed, started kissing my hubby, we got sort of hot and heavy and then when we got to the actual action my husband just could not do it. Performance problems, if you catch my drift. It was very awkward and disappointing because I knew the timing was perfect but nothing happened. We tried to get things going for a bit but I did not want to push it and I had to pretend like everything was OK because I did not want my husband to feel bad so I just said that I'm tired and need to go to sleep and that was it.

So unless something happened on Sunday, then we did not accomplish much this month. It totally sucks that you have these two days each month and you're supposed to have as much sex as possible during that time and once they are gone, that's it. You have to wait for a whole other month and worry and check and be anxious. Why did God do that to us??? I know when you're young and you want not to get pregnant it seems like every time you do it you could get pregnant but in reality that's not the case. And with every month gone by I just get a little less positive and a little more anxious. And I want to not pressure my husband into having sex on demand but knowing that tonight is the best night out of the month and not doing anything about it makes me very angry.

Oh, well, nothing I can do about it, we'll just have to wait and see. Another thing that worries me is that most of the time after we have sex the sperm seems to drip out of me right away. We try to do it in positions good for conceiving and I lie down with my legs lifted afterwards but when I stand up I feel like it all just drips on my legs. I wonder if that could be the reason why I'm not getting pregnant. But then what do I do about it?

Fertility doctor's appoitnment

I finally had my appointment with a fertility specialist this morning and unfortunately things did not work out very well. I had made the appointment a couple of weeks ago, had all of my paperwork filled out and was eager to get some answers. I got to the doctor's office 15 minutes early for my 9 am appointment and was a little shocked to see that the waiting room was full of at least 10 other couples. Apparently the doctor was running late... I signed in and waited...and waited...and waited.

Finally, at 9:45 the doctor came out to get me. He looked over my medical history (no major issues), asked me a few questions about my habits (don't smoke, don't drink, exercise occasionally) and then gave me a pep talk that his success rate is over 60% for women in my situation (under 35, no major health issues) so he's sure that I'll get pregnant quickly. He told me to schedule a semen analysis for my husband and a sonogram and HSG exam for me and that was it. I was out in 15 minutes. He was very positive (although in a very learned manner) so I felt pretty good about him and on top of that I noticed he had been on the cover of the Washingtonian magazine several times as one of the top specialists in the DC area so I walked out of his office in a good mood.

Then I met with the nurse to take care of the details. She gave me a lot of papers to look over and told me to call the office on the first day of my next period. The sonogram is done on a particular day of your cycle and the HSG has to be done after my period is over and before ovulation. I guess the HSG is a little painful because they ask you to take 600 mg of ibuprofen before you go. Bu they say it only hurts a little, like cramps. The semen analysis is the fun part my husband gets to do. As the nurse said - we, women, get to be poked and probed, and the guys just have to masturbate looking at porn magazines, how unfair!

So now on to the bad part - I went to check out and was told that my insurance does not cover this visit so I'll have to pay the full amount in full, approximately $300. Needless to say I was very surprised because I had checked in advance and the doctor was covered by my PPO plan. So I went to the billing department to see what's going on and the woman there told me that my insurance covers exams but not fertility consultations and once you are diagnosed with "infertility" they do not cover anything. I told her I was not aware I was diagnosed with infertility and I was referred to them to have some tests done to find out whether I had infertility. She was very rude and told me that if I have been trying for a year and not gotten pregnant I was considered infertile. I got very upset and asked to see a manager, which wasn't much help at all. I told her that they were supposed to check with my insurance beforehand and inform me if there were nay problems to which she responded that they tried to call the insurance but they must have written their number incorrectly so they could not call them. Considering I made my appointment 2 weeks prior, they had plenty of time to call me and get the correct number, but she said that people are human and make mistakes. By that point I was just outraged by their rudeness, upset that I had to pay over $300 and just generally very emotional so I told her that I do not agree with what they are saying but I will pay the money if I have no other choice. I just wanted to leave! She continued telling me that it was my fault I did not contact my insurance, even though I had already explained to her that I did and I had no way of knowing that I was going to have a "consultation" and not an "exam" which is covered but I was very sad because of the way they were treating me. So in the end, they agreed to try to submit the claim and see what happens but I doubt the insurance will change their mind. So now I'm stuck with a bill for $300 for a 15 minute "consultation" that did not help me any at all.

I am also sad to find out that my insurance has such stupid rules, which means that either I give up the fertility tests or I pay for them myself, which I don't think we have the money for if one 15 minute exam costs $300. I'm thinking of calling the doctor that saw me after my chemical pregnancy - he told me that he could put me on hormones if I wanted to but he would rather wait and he could also do some tests right there in the hospital for me. So maybe the insurance will accept this because it's technically not "fertility treatment". Which reminds me that I have to call the insurance and see what's going on. I'm very bummed out today...not a good day!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Ovulation time is approaching

I was talking to one of my good friends from NY today and she said that all of her girlfriends were having babies or getting pregnant all of a sudden and she was starting to feel the baby fever. Unfortunately for her she is graduating from law school this year and she cannot have a baby now because it will jeopardize her entire career. She has to wait for at least 3-4 years until she makes partner or has a solid enough job to be able to afford to go on maternity. It's weird how in some industries it's so difficult for women to have a family. She's always been very modern and career-oriented and she did not plan to have babies before she was 35 but now she told me she is starting to want a baby and has been kind of sad recently. I told her about us trying to get pregnant and she told me that one of her friends just started trying two months ago and is already prego. Damn it, seems like everyone else can get pregnant in a heartbeat.

I am such a planner in my personal life and this is the one thing I cannot plan or predict or really do anything about so it's been driving me nuts.

I think I'll be ovulation this Sunday or Monday so now is a good time to start TTC heavily, but I've been so tired recently and I almost feel like we've tried so many months and nothing happened that I don't know what I'll do this month. I guess I'll try not to push it and be a crazy wacko woman but it will be hard. Wish me luck!

Britney is pregnant again

Well, it's official! Britney Spears is pregnant again! There have been rumors for a couple of months now and some people kept saying leave her alone, she just has not lost the weight from the first baby while others were sure that she was preggers again but I guess she's finally showing too much and she officially admitted it. This boy Kevin Federline must be some kind of a sperminator. I mean, honestly, within less than 4 years he got 2 women pregnant twice. What's up with that? I can't help but be jealous - how do you get pregnant so quickly? Have to check whether Gwen Stefani already had her baby; I have not been keeping up on my celebrity gossip.

I have been pretty busy at work recently and on top of that my brother is still staying with us (he decided to extend his trip by a few more weeks) so I have not had much time to think about pregnancy and babies. The other day my friend H brought the twins to work - they have grown so much in 2 weeks. They're 6 weeks now and are gaining weight by the minute, especially the girl who was much smaller at birth, now is the same size as her brother. H's paid leave is over this week and she's taking another month off unpaid but I guess the reality of going back to work is looming and she told me that she absolutely does not feel like it. She wants to stay at home with the babies as much as possible and she's scared that once she goes back to work she won't get to see them a lot. But unfortunately they cannot afford to live on one person's salary so she's going to have to go back. But I can totally see how I'd want to stay home with the baby as much as I can. When I was born, my mom got a whole year of paid maternity leave to take care of me (that's Europe though, they don't do that in the US ever.)

We went to Las Vegas again last weekend (lost money but had a really good time and got a bit of a tan) and had to take the redeye flight back and go to work straight from the airport so I've been feeling exhausted this whole week. I feel that because I cannot get what I want (get pregnant) I am obsessed about traveling and shopping. I guess I just need to have something positive to think about so that I don't think about babies and pregnancy all the time.

My first test

On Wednesday I went to the doctor to have my ovulation tests done. She had told me I needed to have that test on the 3rd day of my period. I'm not sure what the exact name of the test is but it basically checks your supply of eggs and the levels of some hormones in your body. It's just a simple blood test (although no blood test is simple for me since I'm afraid of needles) and I got the results on Thursday. Apparently everything is OK - me levels are fine and I seem to have a good supply of eggs. My OB/GYN said this was the only test she could do, for more specific tests I should call a specialist.

So I called the fertility specialist that she had recommended to me and luckily they had an opening for May 23 so I'm going to see him then. I'm anxious to see him but on the other hand I'm a little scared because I've heard a lot of scary stories about the side effects of hormones and that some of the tests that you taka are pretty painful. But I just have to do it; I cannot keep torturing myself not knowing what's going on. My husband was a little hesitant when I told him that I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and that most likely he'll have to have his sperm tested. He sees that as some kind of failure, like we are not able to do it the normal way and he is also scared that he may be the reason why we are not pregnant, which is sort of a failure for him but I keep telling him that we just need to find out what it is and hopefully everything will be OK.

Not pregnant again!

So I spent the entire last weekend checking myself for pregnancy symptoms and driving myself crazy. On Friday I felt soreness in my boobs but not anything major so I kept secretly touching them at work to see whether they felt harder or larger. Good thing no one saw me, otherwise I would have looked like a pervert :) So I would just pretend that I was adjusting my bra and touch my breasts with my wrist or the back of my hand. Weird, I know, things we pregnancy-obsessed people do.

On Saturday my boobs were back to normal but so I lost any hope of being pregnant but them on Sunday I felt super tired the whole day and felt like I needed a nap the entire day. That got my hopes up and I convinced myself that I was extremely tired and had to go to bed at 10 pm. But I noticed that my discharge had disappeared and I did not have any other symptoms so in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't happening.

So I wasn't too surprised (but still disappointed) when I got my period on Monday. I know we weren’t really trying this month but you can't help but hope for a miracle. Actually, considering I got my period on Monday, means that I ovulated the Monday 2 weeks ago and we did have sex on the Saturday and the Tuesday around that time so I could have gotten pregnant. But no, not this time either. My period came a day early so I guess this means that sometimes I ovulate a little earlier than I think. Anyways, I'm a little tired of this whole ovulation predicting, sex on command thing. I wish I had a magic wand that would make me get pregnant right away.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I had a doctor's appointment

On Friday I went to see the doctor (finally) which was somewhat of a disappointment. I had not been to that practice before and I explained to them that my previous doctor had moved and had a very busy schedule now so that's why I was changing doctors. The doctor was very sweet and she asked me about my medical history, how long we had been trying, etc but she did not seem that concerned about my inability to get pregnant so far.

She said that one year of trying wasn't really that long and was not an indication of anything wrong. She also said that about 30% of pregnancies end of in miscarriages but many people don’t realize it because they don't monitor their bodies that closely so when a very early miscarriage happens they just think they got their period.

By the way, someone on the blog asked me what a "chemical pregnancy" was. It is basically a very early miscarriage where the egg and sperm connect and create an embryo but the embryo never attached to the uterus and is expelled from the body. It could be for many reasons but usually it's because either there is something wrong with the embryo so it's not viable and was never going to become a baby anyway or because there some kind a hormone deficiency in the mother's body (usually progesterone) to sustain the embryo development. Chemical pregnancies usually happen in the 5th or 6th week of the pregnancy and according to my doctor usually don't indicate any future problems conceiving but I'm still worried that if I had it once I may have it again.

Anyway, the doctor did a very quick exam and pap smear (I think this is standard) and told me that since we've been trying for a year, most insurances will cover the cost of infertility treatments if we want to go that route. She suggested we keep trying for a few more months because we did get pregnant once before (the chemical pregnancy) so she thinks that means we can get pregnant again naturally. But she did recommend two infertility specialists to me and said that if I wanted to I could make an appointment with them and start doing some tests. She told me that she can do the first test, which needs to be done on the 3rd day of my period and they test to see what my reserve of eggs is. After that, I can set up an appointment with the fertility specialist so they can test my husband's sperm and if both of these test don't show problems, then they can start doing more tests.

I know she probably sees many people in my situation and one year of trying does not seem like a long time for her but for me it is a lot and I cannot even imagine waiting a few more months so I'll call the fertility doctor this week and schedule an appointment. I know some people out there have been trying to get pregnant for years but I am just getting so tired of this. It's very nerve-wracking and it makes our sex life a little weird because it feels like we have to do it on command and in certain positions only and then I have to lie for 30 minutes afterwards with my legs in the air - it is just too weird. I wish I was one of those people who got pregnant easily!

My sister in law went to see a Native American healer last week. His name is Ted Silverhand, he's fairly well known in the Native American community and he does healings and is also a medium. My sister in law has been suffering from anxiety for a couple of years now and someone recommended to her to try to go to a healer instead of popping pills because they correct your energy levels, recommend meditations, etc. I was a little skeptical at first but definitely curious about what he was going to say. Most of the stuff that he told her was rather personal so I'm not going to mention it but I have to say that I was amazed at how much of the stuff he said was actually true (stuff that happened in the past and he had no way of knowing). But one of the things he mentioned was that we were going to get pregnant soon and have 2 kids in the next 5 years. After all the disappointments and the waiting, at least that makes me feel a little better and more hopeful. Yes, he could be a hoax, but he was right about so many other things so I'm hoping he's right about this as well.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Dpo 8 and nothing

Today is dpo 8 and unfortunately I don't feel anything different. I know we didn't really try this month but still, we did have some action around ovulation time so there was still a chance. I turned on my "pregnancy symptom radar" this weekend because on Saturday night I was extremely tired and went to bed at 11 pm (which never happens - I don't usually go to bed before 12-12:30 am and of course have a really hard time waking up every morning and for a few seconds struggle with my self not to call in sick). But it turned out to be nothing since I did not feel that tired for the next couple of days so it was probably a one-off.

I've been checking my discharge too - it's pretty heavy but nothing abnormal and my breast feel pretty fine, no weird taste in my mouth, no nothing to give me any inclination that I may be pregnant. When I had my chemical pregnancy last year, I started having symptoms as soon as I missed my period (not earlier but then again that pregnancy did not last so it's not an indication). My boobs started feeling on the day after my missed period and by the end of week 5 were very painful. I also had indigestion and I was peeing every 1-2 hours, and had very heavy white discharge. However, I knew that something was wrong because I did not feel tired at all and I knew all my friends who were pregnant felt extremely tired for the first 1-2 months.

Well, I'm seeing a doctor on Friday so hopefully soon I'll know what's going on. I'm a little cared but I'm more anxious to know. I got a call from the doctor's office today asking me whether I could come in today at 11 am instead of Friday. Well, I would have loved to have I had some advance notice but being that I go to work every day I can't just take time off when I please so I had to decline. I thought that was a little weird but maybe they had a cancellation.
I had a party for by birthday on Sunday and some of my friends brought their babies. The baby twins got the most attention from everyone -they were so cute and peaceful and everyone wanted to hold them and to cuddle them. They are only 6 weeks old so still at the stage when they mostly eat and sleep so they just got passed around between all of my girlfriends and even my brother, who is 24 and very far from having babies, wanted to hold them. I have to admit I was a little jealous, I just couldn't help it. But I know my friend H struggled with infertility for a while and she's now so happy to have the twins that I am happy for her. I just want to have a baby of my own that's all.

But overall I had a lot of fun at the party, all of my good friends showed up, I got tons of nice gifts (I got lots of gift cards including $85 to my favorite store Forever 21) so I’m planning some major shopping in the next few weeks. By the way if you have not yet read the Shopaholic series of books – you have to read them. They are the perfect book for anyone who loves to shop and has been known to spend way too much on clothes and shoes. I’ve read all 5 of the books and I can’t wait for the next one to come out. Maybe this time she’ll be pregnant and shopping for maternity clothes :)

*2 days till doctor's appointment*

Friday, April 28, 2006

All I want for my birthday is a baby

It's my birthday today, turning 29, so I'm in a really good mood. Been getting a lot of congratulations from my co-workers and I think they are doing a cake party for me this afternoon so I'm happy. On top of that, the girl that I interviewed on Monday and really liked accepted our offer so she's starting in a week. And, the girl that was my 2nd choice for the job decided to accept another position in our department so I'll still be able to use her for some projects so overall it was a good week!

On the TTC front - we did have some action on Friday, Saturday and Tuesday (which was ovulation day, I thought) and I thought we could maybe have some action on Wednesday but when my husband woke my up on Wednesday morning because he was in the mood, I was sooo tired that I could barely open my eyes so nothing happened. I had decided to have a little break from TTC this month (although I could not help thinking about it anyway) so at least I'm glad that we had some action. Although I'm not really hopeful since I know it was very little action compared to the previous months (we try to bd every day when it's around ovulation time). Now, we can just wait - the hardest 2 weeks of every month - looking for symptoms, touching my breasts every 5 minutes, checking my discharge - I become a wacko woman :) I'm glad this month my brother is staying with and we're doing lots of things with him so this will take my mind off of the whole waiting game. Besides, I'm seeing a doctor next Friday so hopefully will start getting some answers.

I've been reading some posts from other people who are TTC and one woman mentioned that when you can't conceive for a while it changes your whole perspective on things and it's so true. When we first started trying I had a whole plan in my head - we'd start trying in the summer, get pregnant within 2-3 months and give birth in the spring and be able to take the baby out to the beach this summer. Then I'd take 3 months off work and be back right on time for our biggest conference in September. I was born in the spring and my mom always told me how great it was that she could take me out almost right away and that we were able to spend a lot of time out in the sun and she got me all these little cute outfits for summer and that's how I imagined my baby being. I was adamant about not wanting a winter baby because of the weather and all the viruses, etc. I also started checking our pregnancy clothes as soon as we started trying and I was imagining myself in these cute maternity shirts and jeans - I thought I'd be a very trendy pregnant woman, sort of like Gwen Stefani. And when I saw one of my friends balloon up to over 200 pound when she was preggers, I kept think that's not going to be me - I'll just gain a little weight but I'll keep it under control and I'll look pretty my whole pregnancy and I won't get sick, maybe just a little. Yeah, right... At this point, I don't even care when I conceive and when the baby it's born - winter, summer, I'll take anything. And I don't even worry about gaining weight or looking pretty anymore - I really just want a healthy baby. So, got to stay positive and keep my fingers crossed that it will happen soon.

And by the way - looks like Angelina Jolie is not due until late May. Apparently she and Brad and the kids moved to some preserve in Namibia where she wants to give birth so that her baby has international roots just like her other kids. I like her but I really don't get it - she is probably spending millions of dollars to rent the entire villa and to keep a plane on call and to have her doctor on call. She could have given this money to the poor people in Namibia if she really wants to help the country. And besides, this baby is going to have Brad Pitt as a father and Angelina as a mom - how the hell do they expect the kid to be humble and normal?

* 7 days until my doctor's appointment*

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Some TTC action last night

Despite my expectations, we did manage to squeeze in some TTC action last night so who knows, maybe there is a chance. I doubt it, but I have to keep thinking positive thoughts (I hope I don't sound like a motivational speaker). I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday or today because the timing is right and I had mild cramps yesterday and lots of discharge today. I guess that's as good of an indication as any ovulation kit.

My hubby and I were really tired last night and not really in the mood so I figured I'm not going to push it (and believe me, I have tried to rape my husband before :) So we just spooned and I dozed off when my husband woke me up and started caressing me out of the blue. I could tell he was ready for some action (we were spooning so I could feel it, if you know what I'm saying) but I was very sleepy so we had a super quick quickie and then I fell asleep. I don't know if that's enough to make me pregnant but one can always hope. Nothing else seems to work...

It's my birthday on Friday so I'm already stressing out what to do. I know birthdays are supposed to be fun and they are but there's always this pressure to do something fun which doesn't always work out. I love to travel so in the past I've always preferred to go somewhere for a long weekend instead of receiving gifts. I have a lot of stuff anyway so I'd rather just see a new place or go to the beach. But this year, my brother is staying with us and we just came back from Las Vegas so I'll be spending my b-day at home. I want to have a BBQ and invite some friends but some of my good friends will not be in town this weekend, so it may be just a small group. So maybe we'll just go bowling or play board games or something - urgh, like I need one more thing to stress about!

*8 days until my doctor's appointment*

I'm Ovulating Today

I have a feeling that I'm ovulating today but unfortunately very little chance of having any TTC time. Some months I just feel like I know when I'm ovulating because I get slight cramps, just like before I get my period, and they last for 1-2 days so I'm convinced that's related to ovulation. Besides, I'm 13 days past the start of AF so it's about the right time. As I mentioned, I'm not doing any testing this month so I'll just try to take it easy (I know I'm fine now but in 10 days I'll still be stressing and looking for any symptoms).

My hubby and I had sex on Friday and Saturday but nothing since then - Sunder we were too tired from the paintball and yesterday we both worked late and got home, watched some TV and fell asleep. I tried to wake him up in the middle of the night for some action (that's my favorite time) but he was fast asleep :( And this morning he had to be at work early so nothing again. I guess tonight is the last chance and then it's over, so I'm not very hopeful about this month. At least I'm going to the doctor next week and hopefully we'll have some answers then because I'm tired of this emotional roller-coaster.

I know lots of people now are adopting babies and I wish I could say that I'd be OK with adopting but I won't. I really want to be pregnant and have my own baby, is that too much to ask? After reading tons of messages and blogs from people who are TTC in their 20s and 30s I am convinced that it's much harder to conceive now than it was 20-30 years ago. I don't really know what it is but there seem to be thousands and thousands of healthy, young women in great relationships who have been TTC for 1-2 years and still nothing. Just makes you wonder what changed...

On a more positive note - I interviewed a girl on Friday that I really liked and she came for a second interview today and everyone really liked her so we are going to make her an offer. I hope she takes it because she seems to have a great personality and good marketing experience and I feel like she will click with all of us here so I hope I made the right decision. Will keep you posted.

Oh, and thanks to the person who left me a comment about Brooke Shields not being able to conceive for a long time. I have to admit I have not read her book and I did not know she struggled with infertility so I'd definitely try to read it soon. It's always good to hear how other people deal with things that you are experiencing.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Me and J.Lo. are trying to conceive

"I've been on spinach omellettes for breakfast, spinach salad for lunch and sautéed spinach with every dinner. If the spinach doesn't help me conceive, I'll still end up with Popeye-sized muscles" - this is what J.Lo recently said in an interview. I can't even tell you how good it made me feel when I read this that I'm not the only one doing weird things in the hopes of conceiving. Looks like J. Lo. has been having some trouble in the baby-making department as well, so I'm going to keep checking up on her. This whole process sucks but it probably sucks even more for her being scrutinized in magazines every day. Good luck J.Lo!

By the way - thank you all who left comments on my blog. I never knew that people actually read my blog until I checked my stats this weekend and noticed that almost 300 people have read it. And I read all the comments - you cannot even imagine how good you made me feel. I appreciate all the advice and encouragement and just knowing that there are other people out there in the same situation makes me feel a lot better. So, keep leaving me comments, I really appreciate it. Oh, and thanks to the person who told me to do ovulation tests in the afternoon - I'll try that next month. I did notice that doing them in the morning was not very effective because I seemed to get a positive once ovulation was under way and it was almost too late.

I had an up and down weekend. On Sunday was the Eastern Orthodox Easter so my husband and I went to church on Saturday night (I only go to church several times a year but this is one of the major holidays). I saw this girl who used to go out with one of our guy friends but they broke up around Christmas and I had not seen her since. Well, imagine my surprise when she showed up in church with him and sporting a big pregnant belly. Turns out that they had sort of "farewell sex" the night when they finally broke up and she got pregnant that night. She said she had always used protection before that and this was the only unprotected sex they had. So she told him about the pregnancy, he was super happy because he had always wanted kids and they got back together and are now living happily ever after. This was just a little more than I could take! How can she get pregnant after just once especially if this was while they were breaking up? And of course everyone was oooh-ing and aaah-ing around her pregnant belly and she was glowing and I just wanted to throw up. I am happy for them; it just hurts too much to see someone get pregnant so quickly without even trying and here I am - in a happy relationship, having lots of unprotected sex with my husband and noting.'s just so unfair!

On Sunday we want to play paintball, which actually was a lot of fun and made me forget about the whole pregnancy thing. We went to a place called Hogback in Leesburg, VA. I had never played paintball before and I am sort of a girly girl but I had a great time and it felt good to get a little dirty and crawl in the mud (it rained the day before so the grass was very muddy and slippery). I think paintball unleashes some primal instinct in people to be a shooter and a hunter (even though I would never actually shoot a real gun) and I got so into the game that I didn’t even notice when the 3 hours were over. But I have to say it really hurts when the ball hits you. I now have about a dozen bruises all over my body so I'm glad it's still not summer yet so I can cover up with clothes. Otherwise, people may think I got beat up by my husband :)

On the TTC front - I decided to take a little break this month from really trying and just have sex when and how we want to. It's not to say that I'm not going to be thinking about conceiving but I just decided that we needed some fun sex for a bit, especially since I'm going to see a doctor next week I might as well just wait and see what he says. So I'm not doing ovulation testing this month (although by my calculation I should be ovulating tomorrow or Wednesday) and I'm trying not to stress. We had sex on Friday and Saturday (nothing yesterday - we were too tired from the paintball) and if we are in the mood today or tomorrow then great. If not, then I'll just try not to think about it and wait for May 5th. I wish I could see the doctor earlier but I guess nothing I can do about it. By the way, thanks to the person who left me a comment about waiting to get checked by a doctor for 5 years and finally being ready to try again. I will send you a personal email and I do wish you all the luck in the world! Keep me posted.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I Have a Doctor's Appointment

I called my friend's OB/GYN today and they were super nice to me. I told them about my chemical pregnancy and that I've been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully since then and the receptionist was very understanding and she said she was going to try to fit me in as soon as possible. So I have an appointment with one of their doctors for May 5 - a whole week before my regular doctor was able to see me, which is a long time if you're desperate to get pregnant. So I'm hoping that finally someone can figure out why I'm not getting pregnant or what exactly is going on with my body because I'm tired of trying to figure it our myself.

I had lunch with my friend with the twins today and we were looking at pictures of the babies in Eastern costumes - they are less than a month old but they are sooo cute. My mother-in-law always tells us that we're likely to have twins because there are a lot of twins in my husband’s family and I used to tell her to stop saying that because I was absolutely terrified of the idea of having two babies at once. But now when I look at Holly's babies and they are so sweet and she handles them so well, I can't help but think that I'd be OK with having twins. I really just want to have a baby, one or two doesn't matter, they are adorable and I can't wait to have one or two of my own.

I was reading about Britney Spears last night - apparently her baby fell from the high chair and had a minor scull fracture so everybody is talking about calling the child protection services, possibly taking the baby away from her and what a bad mom she is. I wish they would just leave her alone! I'm not a big fan of hers but I know it's hard to raise a first child and deal with a husband who's not there and on top of that having your every move photographed so I totally feel for her. I'm sure she's doing her best to be a good mom and the paparazzi should just give her some space. There are much worse moms out there and no one is going after them. When I was in college my then boyfriend had a friend who had a baby, maybe 8-9 months old, and when we went to his house once the baby was lying on a blanket on the hardwood floor with the dog lying right next to him and licking one of the baby's toys. It was just awful! So don't waste your time on Britney - she is a better mom than many others!

On a pregnancy note - just when I thought that all the pregnant celebrities (except for Brangelina) have given birth turns out that Fergie is preggers too - looks like less than 3 months. And apparently Christina Aguilera and her hubby are trying to get pregnant. I wonder if celebrities ever deal with the whole TTC issue. It seems like they magically conceive as soon as they decide they want a baby. Even actresses who are in their 40s seem to get pregnant right away, how do they do that? J Lo is the only one that I know has been trying to have a baby but is not pregnant yet. Who knows, maybe me and her will conceive at the same time :)

I had another interview at work today. I really liked the girl - she was very bubbly and energetic and had a great vibe. She didn't have much marketing experience though so I'm not sure whether my boss will like that, I know she liked the candidate from yesterday a lot. Too bad the girl that I saw today is going away for a week and cannot come back for a 2nd interview until end of next week - I know we need to hire someone ASAP so we may have to make decision before she comes back. I still have a few more people to interview so we'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Back from Vegas

Sorry I have not written anything for a few days - I just came back from Las Vegas and had an awesome time! My period finished halfway through my trip and it's still too early to start trying again (one more week until ovulation) so I've had a few fun days without thinking of the whole pregnancy issue. Of course we could have had fun sex in Vegas (this place is always a turn-on for me) but we shared a room with my brother so no chance of getting any action.

I did call my doctor today to schedule an appointment to get checked and was told that the earliest she has is May 10 - almost 3 weeks from today! Since I'm not pregnant and it's not an emergency I guess it's not a priority for them. My doctor works in Georgetown University hospital and they are always very busy so it's hard to get an appointment and that's why I've been thinking of changing doctors. This whole trying to get pregnant issue has been full of anxiety and the last thing I need is to wait for a month before I even see a doctor. So I got the number of one of my friend's doctors - he is part of a big practice of OB/GYNs so I'm going to call him tomorrow and see if I can get anything earlier than May 10. I just don't want to wait that long considering that it's probably going to take weeks of testing to figure out if anything is wrong with me and maybe put me on some pills or what not. So I'll let you know tomorrow if anything works out with the other doctor (I hope so!)

I had a great time in Vegas it was my brother's first time there so me and my husband re-lived our first time by visiting all the sights - the fountains in front of the Bellagio, the volcano in Mirage, the MGM lions and all the things that make Vegas Vegas. It was very windy so the pirate battle in front of Treasure Island was closed as was the rollercoaster in NY/NY. As a matter of fact the winds were so strong that the water from the pools was sprinkling all over so we did not get much time by the pool (too bad as I was hoping for a nice tan...) But we had a great time gambling (I'm a little addicted when it comes to gambling) and actually managed to make some money. Not a lot, just a couple of hundred bucks but my brother made over $600 so overall we're in good shape. While we were there the Treasure Island was hosting the Miss Hawaiian Tropic pageant so we saw all the candidates walking around the hotel, which made my brother very happy :) Unfortunately looked like most of them were there with their boyfriends who were 20-25 years older than them so it just makes you wonder...

I got back to work today and had my first interview for the Marketing Manager position that we have available. The girl was very interesting, very friendly and had a lot of good marketing experience but just seems a little overqualified. My boos thinks we should make her an offer right away but I'm just worried that she'll stay for a few months and then leave for a better paying job. Our job is fun and a good learning experience for someone 1-2 years out of college but for someone more experienced it may not offer lots of growth opportunities so I have my concerns about this girl. But we'll call her for a second interview next week.

One of the other people I was supposed to interview today cancelled last minute because she got another job offer and I'm interviewing 2 people tomorrow but none of them seems that great so I'm not expecting much. I got several great resumes today and I want to speak with these people as well before I make a decision but my boss thinks that if we don't make this girl an offer early next week she may get snatched by another company. I don't know, I just want to see some more people instead of hiring the first person we meet but we'll see how things work out. I am still upset by the fact that most people that apply for the job are asking for a lot more money than I'm making and some of them call us back to tell us that they got job offers from other companies paying them a higher salary - it just finally hits me how underpaid I am so I may be updating my resume very soon.

Oh, apparently TomKat finally had their baby, baby Suni or something like that, born yesterday in a hospital in LA. So apparently reason won and Katie convinced Tom that she should give birth in a hospital, good for her! Although I think that baby will be rather messed up with a father like Tom, all this Scientology stuff seems very odd to me. And while I was gone Gwyneth gave birth to baby Moses 6 weeks early. Now, only Angelina is left and I won't have to see all these pregnant celebrities everywhere and rive myself crazy wishing I was pregnant too. Well, looks like Angelina will be giving birth in Africa, who would have thought? Stay tuned...

Friday, April 14, 2006

AF is Here - Urgh!

Turns out nothing weird was happening to me on Tuesday - I was just getting my period. A day early at that! It's a bit of a weird period because I had a day of very slight spotting, which turned into two days of very heavy bleeding with some blood clots and today it's just slight bleeding. God, I never thought I'd pay so much attention to my period, it was always a thing that comes and goes and those were the designated "no sex" days but that's all. Now, I pretty much know all the details...

I will call my doctor to make an appointment to see him about the whole TTC issue because I am now very worried that something is wrong with me. When I had my chemical pregnancy the doctor said that the good news is that at least we can get pregnant but I'm starting to doubt that now. We've been trying for 9 months already and for the last 3 months we've been doing everything we can - lots of sex during the right time, vitamins, testing for my ovulation, etc. and nothing happened so I may need some medical assistance. I just want someone to tell me what's going on. I'll also ask the doctor to schedule a sperm count for my husband - anything and everything until we find out what's happening. I am usually a control freak so not being able to do anything about this drives me crazy.

On a more positive note, my got some good candidates for the job that I'm interviewing for so hopefully I'll be able to find a great person that I like both personally and professionally. Apparently unemployment in the DC area is very low and most people manage to get jobs quickly so there aren't as many good candidates per job as I expected. I was actually rather surprised to get some pretty weak candidates in the beginning but then I went to all the local colleges and universities and posted the job for their alumni and since then we've gotten some better ones. I'm sad that Rebecca, the person who had that job before, left because she was a great employee and we got along perfectly. But she found a job where she'll be making $15,000 more so I can't blame her. Maybe it's time for me to look for some new venues - I've had my job for 3 years now and I love it and love all of my co-workers but I know I could be making a lot more money in another company. I've been hesitant to look because I thought I would be pregnant by now and it's not a good idea to change job which you're pregnant but since nothing is happing on that end, I might as well explore my opportunities. It's so hard to leave when you love your job...but I can't afford to be so underpaid and overused for long. Good thing that my husband is making a lot more money so we can afford to live in DC.

I just got an email that we'll be closing at 3 pm today - great news! I better go back to working because I still have tons of stuff to do and to finish up my mystery shop report from last night. I don't think I've mentioned that before but occasionally I do mystery shops in the DC area which basically means that I get to eat in nice restaurants for free in exchange for writing a complete report of my experience. I started doing that 2 years ago and since then I've had a lot less time to dedicate to it (those reports can take 2-3 hours to write) so now I only go if the restaurant is really nice. Last night my hubby and I went to this very trendy Asian-themes restaurant in Georgetown called Mie N Yu. It's rather pricey but the food is great and all the tables are decorated like something from Arabian Nights so it's very intimate and romantic. But I still have not finished my report so I'd better go.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

14 dpo - Something Is Happening

So today is 14 dpo and something weird is happening with my body. I spent the last 3 days holding on to the last shreds of hope that I may be pregnant and waiting for something, anything that could be interpreted as a symptom but, unfortunately...not much. My breast felt a little tender and I had lots of discharge over the weekend but yesterday the discharge was gone and my breast were not nearly as sore as I think they should be if I'm pregnant so it didn't seem like I was pregnant.

This morning when I went to the bathroom I noticed a brownish discharge - not a lot but enough to stain my underwear. My period was not due until tomorrow at the earliest, so this discharge is very weird. It probably is my period, which totally sucks. I'm a little worried though because when I had my chemical pregnancy last year, that's how it started - with some brown discharge for a couple of days and...then all the bad stuff happened.

So I'm worried that the same thing might be happening again although then my period was almost 2 weeks late so I was definitely pregnant and now it's not even time for it to arrive. I know those chemicals pregnancies can come anytime between implantation time and a couple of weeks later - it just means that an embryo was created but it never properly implanted and was expelled from the body. I never even knew about this before it happened to my but the doctor said many women experience this at least once in their lives but if they are not closely monitoring their body they don't even know it. So I'm worried that it may be happening again. May be I should take a pregnancy test tomorrow - I know that during the chemical pregnancy your HCG levels go up slightly for a couple of days and then they fall.

I wish I did an HPT this morning, it would have saved my lots of worries, but by the time the discharge started I was already at work and I don't have a convenient place to go buy one now so I'll just have to sit and wait. Gosh, this whole getting pregnant thing is so nerve-wracking! We did have sex last night and I know that we had sex the night before my chemical pregnancy ended but I just don't see how they could be related. Women have sex way into their pregnancy and it's no risk of the baby, maybe I'm just reading too much into this.

We went to a picnic this weekend and half of the people there had babies so everyone was playing with them and saying how cute they are and I felt so sad inside. All of the babies were between 1 and 4 months old so if I had had a normal pregnancy in August (instead of a chemical pregnancy) the baby would have been born in March :( I am so attracted to babies now, especially since we've been having such trouble conceiving, it's almost masochistic. Urgh, I just want to have a baby, is that to much to ask?

On another note, we did not play paintball because it turned out that you have to reserve a field at least a week in advance - this shows you how novice we are :) So, I'll try to make a reservation for the week after next week, hopefully it works out., The weather has been nice the last few days so hopefully by then it will be warm and sunny and we can get a tan while playing.
I've also been really busy at work - one of my employees is leaving and I'm getting resumes from people that are interested in the job. This is the first time when I have people working for me, so it's very interesting being on the other side of the fence - looking at resumes, choosing candidates, interviewing. I got a lot of resumes but some of them are so far off that it's actually funny. Do people even read the required qualifications? If you graduated from college last year and have been doing nothing but mowing lawns for the past 9 months why on earth do you think we'll pay you $40,000 to start with? Or, another one of my favorites, a woman with 10 years of experience during which time she changed 10 jobs and has been at her last job for only 9 months. That screams problems to me. So, out of the 9 resumes I got yesterday only 3 people are even remotely qualified to come for an interview. Will keep you posted on how that goes.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Tired of the 2 week wait

Nothing new to report today unfortunately. Every morning I wake up hoping that I've developed some pregnancy symptoms but it's 10 dpo today and nothing. Is it too early to have symptoms? I really have no clue.

When I had my chemical pregnancy I did not develop symptoms until after the day my period was due but then again that pregnancy wasn't viable and maybe that's why I did not have many symptoms. I spent hours reading other people's posts on very early pregnancy signs and of course could not make any conclusions. Half of the people say that they felt nothing at all until their period was about a week late and the other half say that they knew shortly after ovulation (these are probably the people that check their bodies every day, just like me).

My mom said she had no symptoms whatsoever until she was 3 months pregnant, but she was only 22 and she got pregnant on their honeymoon so she wasn't even looking for symptoms. My friend V. who gave birth a few months ago said she started throwing up about a week after she missed her period and my other friend H. conceived after an infertility treatment so she knew she was preggo right away. So no help there - different people, different stories I guess...

I wish we were able to find out right away - it would make life so much easier!

We want to go play paintball this weekend if the weather is nice. I've never gone before and I'm a little scared because one of my friends says it hurts when the ball hits you. But it's supposed to be fun so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for lots of sun on Sunday.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

9 dpo and still nothing

Today is 9 dpo and no pregnancy symptoms in sight. I did have a splitting headache 2 days in a row but doubt that it's related to being pregnant. I'm really disappointed because I truly believed this month was the month. We had lots of action right before and during ovulation, I pinpointed my ovulation with OPK, I've been taking pre-natals and B6, everything was the way it should be.

I was really hoping I won't have to go to the doctor and start the whole "why am I not getting pregnant" saga but looks like I may actually have to do that. Urgh...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Still no symptoms

OK, so today is 8 dpo and I still have no pregnancy symptoms. I had stomach cramps yesterday afternoon, nothing major, just like PMS but lighter but they were gone by the evening. I know 8 dpo is still early but I am so desperate to be pregnant that I'm searching for anything. Maybe next time I'll start charting my temperatures, although that will give me one more thing to stress about.

This whole TTC process has been very nerve-wracking. I try to pretend like I don't care that much, that it hasn't even been a year and that it will happened when we don't think about it but it's sooo hard. All this stressing about symptoms and searching for any sign has made me very irritable and snappy. I snapped at my husband a few times yesterday for almost no reason and he got very upset because he said my attitude towards him has changed recently. I know I've been very irritable for the past couple of months and he's the last person I want to be mad at but he is just the one I see most. I'll have to make an effort to be super-nice to him, he doesn't deserve my bitchiness.

My brother is coming in today to stay with us for a few weeks so I hope we don't end up getting on each other's nerves at the end of his visit. I'm so happy he's coming; I need to try to be nice to everyone and not mad at them because I'm not pregnant.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Waiting for Symptoms

Today is day 7 after ovulation and I'm anxious for any sign of a possible pregnancy. So far - not much. I did feel sleepy the whole day yesterday but that was probably because we lost one hour on Sunday and technically I had to wake up at 6 am instead of 7 am. I also felt a little indigestion and minor cramps a few times yesterday but nothing else. My breasts feel fine (although I was poking them a little this morning hoping they hurt), I am not exhausted, I do not have implantation bleeding and I don't have to pee more than usual. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.

I ran out of vitamin B6 yesterday and went to CVS to get some more but they did not have it so the pharmacist recommended getting B100 which basically is 100 mg of several types of vitamin B. Some of these I already get through my pre-natals so I'm hoping I don't overdose on vitamins. He said it's not possible... He asked me why I needed so much vitamin B and I mumbled something about needing more energy because there was a line of at least 5 people behind me and I didn't feel like explaining my ovulation issues to all of them :)

I was riding the metro this morning with my friend V. who had a baby in December. She said her breast milk stopped a few weeks ago and she is now feeding him only formula. Apparently the formula is giving him indigestion and he's been having trouble pooping. She said she never in a million years expected to be closely examining someone's poop. The things you talk about when you have a baby... At this point I don't really care about having to deal with poop, sleeping less, feeling nauseous and all the other stuff - I just want a baby!

On another note, my brother is coming tomorrow. He lives far away and I only get to see him once a year so he's coming to stay with us for 3 weeks. I'm excited because I don't get to spend much time with him. But, we live in a 1-bedroom apartment and it will be a little cramped for a while. I hope we don't have to TTC next month because it will be hard with him seeping just a few feet away from us. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Monday, April 03, 2006

March - part 7

On Friday I took another ovulation test and that one came negative so I knew by then my ovulation was over. We did manage to get some action during the important days so now all I can do is sit and wait and hope I did get pregnant.

The first week is OK because I know there really wouldn't be any symptoms right away (implantation supposedly takes 7-10 days) but during week 4 I usually drive myself crazy checking my body for symptoms - touching my breasts to see if they are tender, waiting for any little cramps or feeling of nausea and, the telltale sign of pregnancy, the "feeling tired". Last year, when I had a chemical pregnancy but was pregnant for a little over three weeks, I had some of the other symptoms (including frequent peeing, slight nausea and increased discharge) but I never felt tired like all the other pregnant women. The doctor said probably the chemical pregnancy was due to low progesterone, which also causes the tiredness so I am pretty much desperate to feel tired as a sign of a real pregnancy.

I've been taking pre-natal pretty much from the beginning of this cycle and I also started taking vitamin B6 last week (I've been taking 100 mg but I'm thinking of increasing it to 200 mg because I read on several web sites that B6 is one of the best vitamins to take for fertility. Last night I also started using the progesterone cream again. It's supposed to be a natural way to increase progesterone levels without the side effects of hormone medications. I used it for a few cycles last year but did not get pregnant so I stopped using it but decided to give it one last chance. Basically, I've decided that if I don't have a vital pregnancy this cycle I am going to see a doctor and start checking if everything is OK with me and my husband. So, keep your fingers crossed!

I went out for lunch this weekend with my friend H. who just had twins last week. She had a C-section and was feeling a little rough the first couple of days but a week later she is in great shape and says she's been on her feet since day 4. She said she just feels some tingling and dull pain from time to time but nothing else. She even plans to go back to the gym in another week. The babies are adorable - they are so tiny (the boy was 7 lbs and the girl was 6.3 lbs but they lost some weight right after the birth) and when they were lying in the stroller their little heads were twisted to the side because they have no neck support. They slept through the entire lunch and the girl was even smiling in her sleep. I was scared to hold her because she's so small but just looking at the two of them makes me want a baby of my own even more!
Thanks to all of you who left messages in my guestbook - it's really helpful to hear other people who have been thru the same stuff. I may actually email some of you directly if I get really depressed but for now I'm trying to hold on to the hope that maybe this month is the month. Wish me luck!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

March - part 6

Yesterday was day 16 of my cycle and when I took the ovulation test in the morning I got a positive result, which was very surprising since the day before I got a very faint line and I thought I will be ovulating late this month. The good news was that we had just had sex earlier that morning. But I've read some posting that say that those ovulation predictors are not super accurate so getting a bright line may mean you just ovulated or you're about t ovulate or you may ovulate up to 48 hours later.

So in any case, I knew it was a good time to conceive so I decided to book a nice hotel to spent that night and have a romantic evening (with lots of action). I spent 2 hours searching through various web sites trying to get a reasonably priced hotel in the Washington DC area for that night but the cheapest I found was $260!!! There was no way we could afford to spend that for 1 night. What a bummer! I got frantic checking out any possible travel web site for last minute discounts and finally gave up and went home in a bad mood.

To make a long story short, I was in a bad mood all evening because I knew that night was a very fertile time for me and that put all the pressure of "it's now or never" but the result was that I could not get myself in a sexy mood the whole night and my husband had a problem with his allergy so he didn't feel very sexy either and finally we both just got so frustrated and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa with no action at all.

Damn it - this thing is not supposed to feel so much like work, all planning and thinking about it and stressing. But I know that if I miss the opportunity this month I'll have to wait for a whole other month and that's making me very frustrated. Knowing that you're only fertile for about 48 hours each month makes me wonder how some people conceive from a one-night stand or when the condom breaks once in 5 years. I'm starting to think there are all myths created by advocates of abstinence. I mean, come on, there are thousands of women every month doing everything they can to conceive with no success and then there's some couples who pretty much had one sexual encounter without a condom and, boom, got pregnant.

This morning I woke up a little restless and took another ovulation test and it came back positive as well (don't really know what it means to have positive results 2 days in a row) so I pretty much forced myself to get in the mood and have a quickie before we went to work. But I had no time to lift my legs or lie still afterwards because I had a meeting at work so I can only hope that it worked. God, sex is so much better and fun when you're not trying to conceive.
Everybody says that you have to stop obsessing about conceiving and just have fun and it will happen but after 9 months of trying it is just impossible. Now I know how people feel when they complain about not having a boyfriend/girlfriend and everyone tells them to just live life and not obsess and it will happen. You can't stop! It's not a switch you can turn off. Even when you tell everybody you've stopped, you still think about it.

Anyways, I'll try to keep positive and hope something happened this month. By the way, if you ever want to read a great book about trying for a baby, read "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton. I read it years ago when I wasn't even thinking about babies and I thought it was hilarious and heart-warming at the same time but now I'm planning to re-read it soon. I'm sure I'll see thing from a different perspective now.