Thursday, May 18, 2006

Ovulation time is approaching

I was talking to one of my good friends from NY today and she said that all of her girlfriends were having babies or getting pregnant all of a sudden and she was starting to feel the baby fever. Unfortunately for her she is graduating from law school this year and she cannot have a baby now because it will jeopardize her entire career. She has to wait for at least 3-4 years until she makes partner or has a solid enough job to be able to afford to go on maternity. It's weird how in some industries it's so difficult for women to have a family. She's always been very modern and career-oriented and she did not plan to have babies before she was 35 but now she told me she is starting to want a baby and has been kind of sad recently. I told her about us trying to get pregnant and she told me that one of her friends just started trying two months ago and is already prego. Damn it, seems like everyone else can get pregnant in a heartbeat.

I am such a planner in my personal life and this is the one thing I cannot plan or predict or really do anything about so it's been driving me nuts.

I think I'll be ovulation this Sunday or Monday so now is a good time to start TTC heavily, but I've been so tired recently and I almost feel like we've tried so many months and nothing happened that I don't know what I'll do this month. I guess I'll try not to push it and be a crazy wacko woman but it will be hard. Wish me luck!

Britney is pregnant again

Well, it's official! Britney Spears is pregnant again! There have been rumors for a couple of months now and some people kept saying leave her alone, she just has not lost the weight from the first baby while others were sure that she was preggers again but I guess she's finally showing too much and she officially admitted it. This boy Kevin Federline must be some kind of a sperminator. I mean, honestly, within less than 4 years he got 2 women pregnant twice. What's up with that? I can't help but be jealous - how do you get pregnant so quickly? Have to check whether Gwen Stefani already had her baby; I have not been keeping up on my celebrity gossip.

I have been pretty busy at work recently and on top of that my brother is still staying with us (he decided to extend his trip by a few more weeks) so I have not had much time to think about pregnancy and babies. The other day my friend H brought the twins to work - they have grown so much in 2 weeks. They're 6 weeks now and are gaining weight by the minute, especially the girl who was much smaller at birth, now is the same size as her brother. H's paid leave is over this week and she's taking another month off unpaid but I guess the reality of going back to work is looming and she told me that she absolutely does not feel like it. She wants to stay at home with the babies as much as possible and she's scared that once she goes back to work she won't get to see them a lot. But unfortunately they cannot afford to live on one person's salary so she's going to have to go back. But I can totally see how I'd want to stay home with the baby as much as I can. When I was born, my mom got a whole year of paid maternity leave to take care of me (that's Europe though, they don't do that in the US ever.)

We went to Las Vegas again last weekend (lost money but had a really good time and got a bit of a tan) and had to take the redeye flight back and go to work straight from the airport so I've been feeling exhausted this whole week. I feel that because I cannot get what I want (get pregnant) I am obsessed about traveling and shopping. I guess I just need to have something positive to think about so that I don't think about babies and pregnancy all the time.

My first test

On Wednesday I went to the doctor to have my ovulation tests done. She had told me I needed to have that test on the 3rd day of my period. I'm not sure what the exact name of the test is but it basically checks your supply of eggs and the levels of some hormones in your body. It's just a simple blood test (although no blood test is simple for me since I'm afraid of needles) and I got the results on Thursday. Apparently everything is OK - me levels are fine and I seem to have a good supply of eggs. My OB/GYN said this was the only test she could do, for more specific tests I should call a specialist.

So I called the fertility specialist that she had recommended to me and luckily they had an opening for May 23 so I'm going to see him then. I'm anxious to see him but on the other hand I'm a little scared because I've heard a lot of scary stories about the side effects of hormones and that some of the tests that you taka are pretty painful. But I just have to do it; I cannot keep torturing myself not knowing what's going on. My husband was a little hesitant when I told him that I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist and that most likely he'll have to have his sperm tested. He sees that as some kind of failure, like we are not able to do it the normal way and he is also scared that he may be the reason why we are not pregnant, which is sort of a failure for him but I keep telling him that we just need to find out what it is and hopefully everything will be OK.

Not pregnant again!

So I spent the entire last weekend checking myself for pregnancy symptoms and driving myself crazy. On Friday I felt soreness in my boobs but not anything major so I kept secretly touching them at work to see whether they felt harder or larger. Good thing no one saw me, otherwise I would have looked like a pervert :) So I would just pretend that I was adjusting my bra and touch my breasts with my wrist or the back of my hand. Weird, I know, things we pregnancy-obsessed people do.

On Saturday my boobs were back to normal but so I lost any hope of being pregnant but them on Sunday I felt super tired the whole day and felt like I needed a nap the entire day. That got my hopes up and I convinced myself that I was extremely tired and had to go to bed at 10 pm. But I noticed that my discharge had disappeared and I did not have any other symptoms so in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't happening.

So I wasn't too surprised (but still disappointed) when I got my period on Monday. I know we weren’t really trying this month but you can't help but hope for a miracle. Actually, considering I got my period on Monday, means that I ovulated the Monday 2 weeks ago and we did have sex on the Saturday and the Tuesday around that time so I could have gotten pregnant. But no, not this time either. My period came a day early so I guess this means that sometimes I ovulate a little earlier than I think. Anyways, I'm a little tired of this whole ovulation predicting, sex on command thing. I wish I had a magic wand that would make me get pregnant right away.