AF is back with a vengeance

Well, AF came with a vengeance again yesterday and I've been cramping so badly that I could not sleep at all last night. I sort of knew that I wasn't pregnant because I did not feel any pregnancy symptoms during the past week, but you know, you always hope and think that maybe, just maybe, this month will be the month.

AF was supposed to come Sunday or Monday and I spent both days checking my panties every couple of hours for any signs, but nothing. And then yesterday I felt crappy the whole day, very irritable and headache-y so I knew what's coming, I just didn't want to admit it. Well, last night it came. God, how I wish you would just give me a baby and not make me go through this month after month after month.

It's our 3 year wedding anniversary today but I fell so bloated and very crampy and grumpy. I wish I could spend our anniversary pregnant and hopeful but instead I'll be tired and grumpy. My husband was very cute this morning, he woke me up with kisses and wished me a happy anniversary and told me that everything will be OK. I just think it's so unfair that we love each other so much and we are in a great place in our lives, have our own place, etc. and the thing that I thought would be the easiest piece of the puzzle is just not happening.

I was talking to one of my coworkers yesterday; she's the only person at work who knows we've been trying to get pregnant. She told me about one of her friends who married her high school love and were TTC for over 3 years and nothing would happen. She was diagnosed with some problem with her Fallopian Tubes where only one of the tubes is working. So a few years into the marriage she finds out that her husband has been cheating to her and he wants out so they split up, she's devastated, moves back in with her parents. To make a long story short, a few months later she meets a guy, they get married shortly after and she gets pregnant right away and she is due in a few weeks. My friend just went to her baby shower.

So I can't help but think - if God is not letting me get pregnant, there may be a reason for that. What if my husband and I are just not meant to be together? What if something will happen in the future that will explain why we did not have kids? All these thought are racing through my mind today and making me worried. I should really try to think about something happy on our anniversary.